Woody Allen Quotes

I am at two with nature.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
(Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls')

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him 'be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more .

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.